Hey, let’s learn about my generalized anxiety disorder! 🙂
This is a long story, but there’s a happy ending so it’s worth it.
Many years ago (about 25) my then-husband and I divorced and one of the first things I did was to start talking about getting a dog. I had grown up with a poodle and had wanted a dog of my own, but my ex-husband was not interested. My two kids wanted a dog very badly and so did I. We decided to rescue a retired greyhound and spent a lot of time on a local greyhound rescue page and found a dog we loved. We scheduled an appointment to go to the rescue, but when we arrived we were “allowed” to see two dogs and that dog was not one of them. We were told that the other dogs were being held for people that also had cats and since we didn’t have cats, we could choose from these two. Not a great start, but we were committed. We ended up with a 75 pound greyhound in the back of my Toyota Corolla with my two kids. It was a bit crowded and the dog had to be lifted into the car because guess what – these dogs have never had to use stairs so they have no idea – it was likely also terrified. We got home, tried to adjust to this new family member and that’s when it started – this horrible feeling. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t calm down, I couldn’t think. I returned the dog to the rescue the next day and my only goal was to remove it from my life. As soon as I did, I was back to normal and just had two very disappointed and upset kids to deal with.
Next up – we tried a hamster. My daughter wanted one and I thought it was a better idea to start small. She did her research and we got everything we needed, set it all up in her room and we were ready! We went to Petco as a family, got a hamster, and by the time we were in the car headed home I could tell the vibe was off. I had zero interest in bringing a rodent into our home, but after the whole greyhound thing I was not going to say a word. I could see my daughter in the rear view window inching away from the carry out box our hamster was in and fear was in her eyes. Stay strong, Shannon! When we got home, my daughter and I went upstairs to put this hamster into it’s gorgeous new hamster home and my thoughts were “I can’t just dump it in there – that’s something that someone would do if they were scared and I have to show her I’m not scared.”. I calmly cupped my hand and reached in to carefully move the hamster and it bit me so hard right underneath my fingernail. Blood was everywhere, my daughter was freaked out and luckily I was able (in my wounded state) to get the hamster back into the travel box which was now covered in blood. My daughter’s exact words were “I don’t want a hamster!! I want to take it back it hurt Mom! We’re not good with pets, are we mom?!”. So, back it went.
Our third pet was another rescue dog from the local rescue. We went again as a family and they brought a dog into the meeting room that was so incredibly sweet. Very very sweet. We all fell in love, agreed to foster to adopt and took her home. The first night was fine, and the second day the panic set in. Once again I couldn’t focus, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t stop crying, felt like I was drowning, etc. Once again, the dog went back to the rescue. You’re probably sensing a pattern here. I wasn’t – yet. The only thing I knew was that I was a failure and kept questioning why I couldn’t do this.
Oh, there was also a kitten in there somewhere at some point. Very sweet, we named her “Twenty”. She stayed with us for a few days before we took her back to the rescue while I sobbed. The rescue people were asking what the issue was and I couldn’t explain or even speak. Very sure I’m on a list at that rescue.
Then… I decided that the issue was that I needed to raise the pet from the beginning. I needed a puppy. Did research, found an ethical breeder, put down a deposit and drove 2.5 hours to pick her up. Zuzu was her name. The cutest, sweetest, golden retriever puppy on earth. She lasted the longest of any pet so far…. I think three days. Over those three days those same feelings started to build and I ended up at my doctor’s office sobbing and asking what was wrong with me. At that point I was given a prescription for Zoloft, but was told it could take weeks to feel any different. My husband ended up on the phone with the breeder, and we drove another 2.5 hours to return her. Again. Failure.
I avoided starting the Zoloft because if there was no pet, I was okay. I waited about a year and a half to decide that I should try it because even with all of my ‘failures’ I so desperately wanted a dog. I talked to my husband and my kids about it and we all decided to try again – with a puppy. We again talked to the previous golden retriever breeder and explained my situation and we were on her list for a puppy – along with my daughter who had just graduated college and wanted her own golden retriever. When the litter was born there were not enough puppies and so I removed myself and my daughter paid the deposit for a female puppy. I kind of took that as a sign or a punishment, or that I wasn’t deserving because of all the pets that didn’t work out. I started searching and found another incredible breeder who just happened to have a male puppy available. I did some serious thinking and decided to go for it. I was on the Zoloft, I was ready to try again…. and this time? It was wonderful. Puppies are a lot of work, they are exhausting and frustrating….but I knew it was never about that. I’m not afraid to put in the work and I was prepared, but this time? It was normal. It was tiring but so rewarding. I never once felt trapped or anxious. This puppy was Charles. He changed my life.
A year after getting Charles we decided to adopt a rescue from Arkansas. Her name is Penelope and we met her in a dark parking lot as she was delivered to us from a big tractor trailer that was bringing dogs up from southern states. We’d never met her, we had no idea if she would get along with Charles… but it was wonderful. They were great friends.
In early December of 2023, Charles was panting a lot and seemed more tired than usual so I took him to the emergency vet. His ultrasound and bloodwork were not great and we ended up being transferred to an internal medicine/emergency vet a few hours away in Maryland. He was admitted overnight while they did testing and while they were able to rule out a few things, they also couldn’t tell us more than that his red blood cells weren’t regenerating. We spent the next few weeks with more vet visits, blood transfusions, oncology vet visits, B12 shots, homemade food every day, and a lot of prayers. On January 2, 2024 we went to see the oncology vet again hoping that the last week and a half of our efforts had paid off, but he was worse. The vet told us that he would not last much longer and that it was best for Charles if we put him down to keep him from a horrible end where he wouldn’t be able to breathe. We came home and I called a vet that does at-home euthanasia and they came that afternoon. When I tell you that it was the worst day of my life, I am not exaggerating. This sweet being who changed everything for me was about to leave me and I laid on the floor beside him, sobbing. I felt as though my heart was being ripped out. After he was put to sleep, they placed his lambchop toy in his arms and he was cremated with that toy. I picked up his ashes a week later and they are beside me in my office every day.
A year later and it’s still so hard missing him, but I’m able to smile now when I think of him and look at his stuffed blueberry toy that always made him cry for some reason. It’s sitting on the bookshelf in my bedroom so I see it every morning when I wake up.
Penelope is still with us, although she’s much less energetic now. We think she’s about 10 years old and she spends most of her day sleeping and barking at random noises. Much to her dismay, we brought another golden retriever puppy into our lives about 10 months ago – Henry. Henry just turned one and while he doesn’t replace Charles, he has brought so much joy to our home. I am filled with gratitude for him, for Penelope, for my family for going through all of this with me, for Charles…. and for medication. Zoloft changed my life and allowed me to experience my life with Charles. For that I am forever thankful.